she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
