worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
