I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
