At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
