i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
