You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
