Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
