I didn't shave. On purpose
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
