I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
