i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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