He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
When are your genitals available?
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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