i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
