the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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