i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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