I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize