I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
