I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
