You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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