I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
