Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Too much gin, very little bucket
I'm passing your future prison.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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