; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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