Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
