At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
