I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
