ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
im six kinds of drunk right now
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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