He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
