what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
My dad is sitting where you rode me
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
