My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
A bitchslap is in order.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
