I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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