Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Randomize
