fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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