my phone needs a breathalizer
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
