You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
