Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I think my fart just growled at me.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Randomize
