I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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