When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
