I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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