I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
