I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
is that a dick in a sweater?
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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