they said they heard you say put it in my butt
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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