I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
