my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
