You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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