I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
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