Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
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