there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
