Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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