areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
