I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
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