Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Randomize
