hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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