i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
