your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
