im six kinds of drunk right now
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
