I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
