U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
