The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
