the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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