dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
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