Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
